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Navigating dating in your 30’s

Navigating dating in your 30’s

  • April 06, 2024
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I feel like this is not spoken about enough maybe because there seems to be a stigma around being in your 30’s and unmarried, it’s like you have some incurable sickness.

I was having a conversation with someone very dear to my heart and he was like “how old are you”, I go “31” and he was like “and you are not married?” with a look that said and what are you really doing with your life?.

I think what he failed to understand was that people in my generation are more self aware and know what they want, what they bring to the table and what they can achieve with or without a guy/babe. People are very happy, content to keep living their best life while investing in themselves so the level of not giving an ass about the 1950’s social norm that automatically judges you when you are a certain age and a spinster is very high.

So this led me to reflect and rant to myself, so here we go:

If you asked my 24 year old self, I would have said that I would be married by now with my 2 beautiful children. But God had other plans for me. Here I am, in my 30’s trying to navigate the whole dating scene.

Having been in a very long term relationship that almost led to marriage and coming out of that, I have struggled a lot with understanding how to date in these streets. Mehn, it’s so gangster. Now, I totally get what my single friends would say and rant, in my head I would be like “is it that bad”?? Mehn it is that bad!!

I struggled in the first few months when I was ready to date again. I didn’t know what to expect, the values that people had in 2017 are so different from the values in the current dating scene. You never know what the opposite sex want, they would chase you, dine with you and in some cases if you don’t give them what their ultimate goal is, they ghost you. So in the current dating scene you find a lot of toxicity because it is just a vicious cycle. It’s like a dog eat dog kind of thing.

In some cases, you may find someone you think okay, let’s start talking and see how it goes then you find out that your expectations of them as being a “MATURED SINGLE” is so unrealistic for them, they still think they are in their late 20’s and you start to think you’re crazy. Is it too much to atleast act your age.

In other cases, you think you have found your person and he/she turns out to be emotionally unavailable or traumatised, so they keep pulling out or ghosting you.

In most cases for women, you find a fully married man who has either declared or not declared he is married, wanting to be in a committed relationship with you. The whole thing is just wild and you start to wonder what the hell is actually going on?. You then realise that this thing called dating is just a vicious cycle, full of traumatised people. Traumatised people loving other traumatised people leading to a big bad bomb.

In some rare cases, your friend of the opposite sex starts showing an interest in you, but you are very sceptical about it because if it ends really bad, you would loose both your really good friend and a relationship, which could potentially traumatise you even more and could be the hardest and most hurtful breakup you could ever experience in your entire life.

Lastly, in some cases (which is where majority of us 30+ are), you have given up, you meet your exact type, you are like okay let’s try this again, you start breaking walls, letting him/her in bit by bit, you are finally kind of comfortable with him/her, you start to develop little feelings and from no where he/she just ghosts with out no explanation, no communication what so ever and you start to think you know what I am over this, I am good alone. Now you are fully traumatised and done.

You don’t want to hear pimmmm from any aunties or parents that keep asking you “when they would tie gele and eat rice at your wedding” but every time they bring it up you just smile and nod to avoid them trying to hook you up or having the familiar conversations on how you need to be more prayerful and patient, that no one is perfect, portraying you as the picky one or the problematic one when in the real sense the streets are just so hard and traumatic.

All these experiences keep taking away from you bit by bit until you have nothing left to give anyone and you are just like mehn, I am okay being alone. Let me just invest in myself and love me, which leads to emotionally unavailable individuals.

Do you guys have a different experience or see the dating scene differently?

If you are currently in something healthy and you were previously on the streets, share the process of how removed the toxicity of the streets and how you got ready to give yourself to something new. Did you initially think it was healthy? Were you self sabotaging?

Please share your experiences.

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5 Comments

    Lesi

    6th Apr 2024 - 5:26 pm

    Nice write up Anike.

    Ay

    7th Apr 2024 - 6:01 am

    Great write up Anike. Its so true, most especially the friendship part, that’s even more heartbreaking. But at the end we still have to take a chance, take the risk, it might just work this time. However, we have to ask ourselves how many of that can we take. There’s the part of compatibility and attraction too. You might be compatible but not attracted and vice versa or perhaps its one sided. Finding a genuine Christian partner in today’s world that you share thesame values looks tricky but then it’s not impossible. May God order our steps to the right relationship and may we also heal emotionally from past traumas. Thanks for sharing.

    Titilope Salami

    7th Apr 2024 - 6:31 pm

    This is a very relatable write up, thank you for this.

    Erus

    13th Apr 2024 - 1:41 pm

    Really relatable

    Bee

    16th May 2024 - 7:43 am

    Hmmmmm, been there and done that….. even got a certificate too. As someone who is past the 30’s age and has gone through all of this MULTIPLE TIMES OVER, I got stuck in the traumatized people dating traumatized people! Now the problem is even if you know you’re traumatized and get help, it even worse dating because the level of oblivion is what makes you want to loose your mind because people are out here walking around wounded without even knowing it. Me I have removed my hand, I’m not doing again…. I don’t need to explain to anyone as I’m tired!!!!

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